In a world brimming with wisdom found in books, theories, and programs discussing healthy relationships, parenting, and education, I’m here to add my bit. This piece aims to guide you to discover meaning in everything you encounter by starting with a profound understanding of yourself as a living, evolving human being.
Alongside some basic mindfulness practices (knowing that countless options are available, each connecting with us at the right moment on our personal journeys), I’d like to share reflections that have resonated with me. They’ve prompted me to pause, reflect, and grow, and I hope they do the same for you. If they strike a chord, feel free to make them your own.
Beyond Painful, Hurtful ‘Clashes’
I’m certain you’ve experienced moments in family and work relationships when you’ve thought, “This behaviour is ridiculous,” or “One can’t act like this,” which might have stirred anger or embarrassment even.
What You Can Do:
When you encounter behaviour you find inappropriate, whether it’s a child throwing a tantrum or even an adult acting out, consider doing one or both of the following, whichever works for you:
Tune in to your body: Notice physical cues such as an elevated heart rate, clenched teeth, trembling, or a flushed feeling. Simply becoming aware of your body’s signals at that moment allows you to be consciously honest with yourself, gaining remarkable clarity in understanding your response to external situations.
Tune in to the other’s body: Focus on their facial expressions, eyes, throat, arms, fists, and their overall body language. Mentally take note of what you observe. This approach assumes no physical violation has occurred, like physical violence, which should never be tolerated.
Try this the next time you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation as a parent, partner, educator, or colleague. While it may seem easier said than done, it becomes enjoyable once you become more proficient and find yourself consistently improving your presence.
How Does This Help?
This practice cultivates objectivity and self-awareness. It allows you to “see” both yourself and the other person before forming expectations or jumping to conclusions, whether you’re dealing with an adult or a child.
As you gradually embrace this objectivity, you’ll notice a magical transformation in the choices you make, whether they are conscious or subconscious. Your responses will start to align more with your authentic self, and you’ll act based on personal autonomy. In other words, you won’t be enslaved by thought patterns and reactions conditioned over time.
The practical benefits include:
Improved composure in interactions with various people, be it your child, your student, your partner, or your colleague.
A reduced perception of threat in challenging situations, whether in parenting or adult relationships.
Better control over your responses to the situations you face.
Viewing It All through the Lens of Compassion
While this newfound objectivity is valuable, its effectiveness hinges on your level of awareness and the presence of compassion. Without compassion, awareness can breed toxicity, leading to indifference, self-deprecation, complaints, and unmet expectations.
Some of us have nurtured compassion throughout our lives, while others may have built barriers to protect against perceived weakness and ambitionless-ness.
How can you access compassion, especially when it feels elusive? I’d say spirituality is the key! If the term resonates with you, you may already be on a quest to define what spirituality means in your life. If not, that’s perfectly fine. It’s just a word, and you’re free to give it your own interpretation or coin a new term. The goal is to connect with compassion.
“Spirituality is embracing the idea that I am more than just matter.”
To me, spirituality means recognising that I am more than mere flesh and bone. I am an ever-evolving spirit expressing itself through a physical form. Think of it as universal intelligence, a software, running on the miraculous hardware that is my brain, nervous system, and every other organ.
Both my miraculous hardware and the software have their goals.
My body and brain aim for survival and efficient functioning, granting me abilities like memory and fight-or-flight responses in situations of threat.
My spirit’s goal, on the other hand, is evolution and growth.
With this perspective, I’ve come to realise that much of my past actions and responses in life were automatic, driven by the fight-or-flight mechanism ingrained in my efficient body.
These conditioned responses might not align with the way I truly want to react, often leading to undesirable outcomes. Although my memory and self-defence mechanisms are powerful, “Who I Was” in the past doesn’t define my present moment. I can shape “Who I Can Be” right here and now. My conscious presence in the moment defines “Who I Am” in the present. For a delightful exploration of this concept, you can read my previous blog post, “Who Am I, Now.”
Recognising that “Who I was” in the past is just an expression of my ever-evolving self, and acknowledging that every moment in the present is a point in my journey of evolution, has led me to understand that what truly matters is my presence in the now.
Compassion in Action
When someone, whether a child or an adult, behaves in a way that unsettles you, consider this:
That individual, child or adult, is merely experiencing a moment in their life, possibly responding to a situation through a conditioned fight-or-flight pattern. Just as you do when you momentarily lose your conscious presence.
This, I would say, is compassion — perceiving others for who they are in that particular moment.
The unfolding of the situation will depend on your awareness and that of the other person. And the situation that does unfold will be but another moment in time, taking us into the next moment, nevertheless empowering us in each moment. What does this mean for you?
What Do I Want? How Can I Help Myself?
Having delved into human interactions from the perspectives of awareness and compassion, how can you be a better partner, parent, educator, or fellow human?
Here’s my latest insight: Ask yourself, “What do I want? How can I help myself?”
When your child, partner, or colleague behaves unreasonably, inquire within, “What do I want?” The key is to grant yourself the time and space to truly understand your desires. Your answers may surprise you, revealing deeper longings such as peace, understanding, or connection.
For instance, you might realise, “I want peace in this relationship,” or “I want the task to be completed well,” or “I want to express my perspective,” or “I want to be understood.”
If you can relate to this and visualise a recent situation, ask yourself, “What do I want?” Take the time to reflect on your genuine desires or what you wanted in that situation.
Next, ask, “How can I help myself?”
If your desire is peace, how would you respond to the situation to achieve peace?
If you aim for a job well done, consider what the best approach and timing for the task could be.
If you seek to be understood, think about whether the other person can comprehend your perspective when they are feeling threatened, possibly aggravated by your own reactions. Or perhaps they will understand you better when they are feeling relaxed and understood themselves.
If genuine understanding is your goal, remember that you possess the capability to navigate the situation in a way that fosters it. However, if your fight-or-flight self-defence mechanism takes over, you might unintentionally steer the situation in a direction you don’t desire.
What I Truly Want to Highlight
In this post, my goal is to emphasise:
To every parent and teacher ,
Do you simply aim to instil socially acceptable behaviour in a child, or do you aspire to nurture their innate intelligence and personal autonomy? If it’s the latter, what does it mean for you regarding your expectations and interactions with the child? Whether you’re dealing with fluctuating academic interests or undesired behaviour, what is your objective, and how can your presence facilitate it?
To my fellow humans ,
Are we unconsciously fostering guilt and shame through self-blame or blame within our relationships when we actually desire the opposite — meaningful dialogue and collaboration? I believe that, for most of us, the latter is the true aspiration. If this resonates with you, consider how you can best facilitate it.
How Do You Choose to Respond?
In challenging situations, how do you choose to respond, and what do you genuinely want in that moment? How can you assist yourself?
Even the intention of being self-aware, compassionate, and fully present represents a wonderful milestone in our ever-evolving journey of self. Here’s to humanity!
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