When you desperately want something and it remains elusive, experiencing a storm of emotions—frustration, disappointment, anger—is completely natural. These feelings aren't unlike a child's tantrum, though as adults, our reactions are veiled, shaped by years of conditioning.
The Adult Tantrum: How We Express Frustration
In our adult lives, our tantrums are less about crying out loud and more about how we internally handle our unmet desires. Depending on our personal and cultural conditioning, these are expressed in one of two major ways: either we fight for what we want or we give up entirely. But, are these extremes truly the only options?
I Fight
When I "fight" for what I want, I tend to become stubborn and feverishly chase my desires with well-planned strategies. Ultimately, I might achieve what I initially wanted. However, I hope that by day's end, I don't feel that I've struggled excessively or made too many sacrifices. I just hope that I'm not left feeling sore after having fought for and obtained what I wanted. Why might this be the case? This often occurs when the pursuit of 'What I Want' overshadows my immediate, moment-to-moment needs.
It's important to note that 'fighting' for what I want through strategic actions is fundamentally different from being simply inspired to take a specific action towards my desires. To 'fight' for what I want acts as a defense mechanism, propelled by my ego. This drive stems from a persistent feeling of 'lack' when I don't have what I want. All of my defenses are geared towards avoiding this sense of lack, hence the 'fight'. There is an inherent struggle in this 'fight' for what I desire. Because it is, indeed, a 'fight'—it involves effort, investment, and sacrifice, all of which can lead to feeling sore. In this process, I risk losing myself in the fight.
I Give Up
On the other end of the spectrum is resignation. This too is a form of defense, an attempt to protect myself from the pain of unfulfilled desires. The rationale behind 'I Give Up' often includes thoughts like 'It’s not that great anyway' or 'I’m better off without it'. This approach might seem to offer consolation, but it's a facade. In truth, achieving what you desire would likely bring you immense happiness. Thus, by 'faking acceptance', you are merely suppressing your genuine desires. Are you accepting your situation with a sense of defeat, frustration, or any kind of soreness? If so, then you are not truly accepting the situation, but rather clinging to your negative emotions of disappointment for an extended period.
A Better Way Forward: Inspired Action
What if there was another way? A path that involves neither the desperate chase nor the complete withdrawal from my desires? This path starts with a deeper understanding of the true nature of my desires.
Your desires inherently flow through you. You might choose to ignore them, suppress them temporarily, or rationalize them away, but you cannot truly diminish them until they naturally evolve into something else. It is not so much your actions towards or against your desire that need management, but rather your presence. When you are fully present and aware of the true nature of your desire, your actions will naturally align to manifest it. But what does this actually mean in everyday life, especially when you're dealing with the frustration or disappointment of not getting what you want?
Acceptance Without Soreness: Operating From a Feel-Good Vibration
When you experience frustration or disappointment because you haven't achieved what you desired, recognize that these feelings are completely natural and valid. There's no need to fight against these emotions or suppress them. Instead, allow yourself to fully experience them, however challenging that may be. This process involves embracing vulnerability, whether you're alone or in the presence of others. Ensure that you remain honest with yourself throughout this process. Fully acknowledge the disappointment you feel, not only emotionally but also physically. This act of acknowledging your feelings is the essence of true acceptance.
True acceptance isn't about resigning yourself to the belief that things will never change in your favor, as such a mindset is overly restrictive and closes off future opportunities. Rather, it means recognizing and accepting your current emotions without judgment. This type of acceptance doesn't involve the pain of sacrifice or the effort of suppressing your feelings. When you permit yourself to truly experience and display your disappointment, you'll discover that it is indeed fleeting—it will dissipate as quickly as it emerged. Consequently, when another opportunity arises to achieve what you want, you will approach it not with defensiveness or lingering pain, but from a place of renewed presence and openness.
Remember, often what we truly want isn't a specific goal like a promotion, a luxury item, or even a relationship status, but rather the feelings we associate with these achievements—joy, contentment, connection. When we detach these feelings from the outcomes themselves and recognize that these feelings are anyway present in abundance in our everyday lives, we uncover a richer, more fulfilling existence.
The Perspective Shift - Reclaiming Your Power
Detaching our feelings from specific outcomes means reevaluating what we believe is necessary for happiness and fulfillment. It involves realizing that the emotional states we associate with certain achievements can actually be accessed independently of those achievements. This shift in perspective enables us to:
Appreciate the Present: By recognizing that feelings like joy, contentment, or connection do not solely depend on specific achievements, we can start to find and appreciate these emotions in our current circumstances. This might mean enjoying the camaraderie and sense of accomplishment in daily tasks, finding peace in nature, or cherishing the warmth of interactions with friends and family.
Broaden Our Goals: When we stop tying our happiness to specific achievements, we open ourselves up to a broader range of experiences and goals that can also provide fulfillment and joy. This might lead us to pursue paths we had previously ignored or undervalued, broadening our life’s narrative.
Reduce Anxiety Over Achievements: This approach can lessen the anxiety and pressure associated with achieving specific goals. When our well-being isn’t solely tied to a particular outcome, setbacks become less devastating, and successes become one of many sources of happiness rather than the sole source.
Recognizing Emotions in Everyday Life
To practice recognizing these emotions in our daily lives, we can start by being more mindful and present. Mindfulness helps us notice and appreciate where and how often feelings like joy, love, and a sense of achievement naturally occur in our daily interactions and activities. This might involve simple acts like savoring a morning ritual, acknowledging a job well done on a small task, or enjoying the peacefulness of a walk.
As we become more attuned to experiencing these positive states throughout our day, we realize that our lives are already rich with the very elements we seek. This recognition fosters a deeper appreciation for our current circumstances and diminishes the constant striving for something out of reach, leading to a more contented and fulfilling life.
Illustrated Example: Beyond Finding 'The One'
Here’s an illustration of how attaching a core emotional desire—like making meaningful connections—to a specific outcome, such as finding a life partner, can actually limit one’s ability to fulfill that very desire in everyday life.
Say you believe that true, meaningful connections can only be formed through a romantic partnership with a life partner who perfectly aligns with your ideals. This belief might lead you to approach potential partners with a specific and narrow objective: to determine whether this person could be "the one." This mindset can have several unintended consequences:
Defensive and Anxious Interactions: When every interaction with a potential partner is weighed against the ideal of finding a life partner, it can create a sense of urgency and anxiety. This pressure can make interactions feel forced or strategic, rather than organic and genuine. Instead of connecting with the person in front of you, you are constantly evaluating them, which can be sensed and may put potential partners on the defensive.
Narrowing of Social Perspective: This approach can lead to a narrowing of one’s social world to only those who might fit the criteria of a life partner, ignoring the rich diversity of human experiences and connections available outside of this single category. This limitation can result in a smaller social circle and fewer interpersonal interactions, decreasing overall life satisfaction.
Missed Opportunities for Connection: By focusing so intently on whether someone might be your ideal lifelong partner, you might overlook the opportunity to engage meaningfully with them in the present moment. This intense scrutiny can cause you to miss out on simple yet profound interactions that could evolve into meaningful friendships or memorable human connections. Even brief interactions have the potential to enrich your life, creating moments of genuine connection that contribute to a sense of community and belonging. Every person you meet offers a unique opportunity for connection, not just as potential life partners, but as individuals who can impact your life positively in various ways.
A More Fulfilling Approach
Instead of fixating on finding a life partner as the sole source of meaningful connections, you could benefit from a broader perspective. Here’s how:
Broaden the Concept of Meaningful Connections: Recognize that meaningful relationships can come in many forms, not just romantic partnerships. Friendships, family relationships, professional networks, and community ties can all provide deep emotional fulfillment.
Engage More Openly with Others: Approach interactions without the heavy burden of finding a life partner. This openness can lead to more authentic and relaxed exchanges, where connections can develop naturally over shared interests, experiences, and values.
Cultivate Presence and Mindfulness: By being fully present in interactions, rather than distracted by an agenda, one can truly listen and engage with others, which is the foundation of genuine connection.
Embrace Vulnerability: Allow oneself to be vulnerable in interactions. This doesn’t mean oversharing or emotional dependency, but rather being honest about one's thoughts and feelings. Vulnerability can foster deeper connections and build trust.
By detaching the desire for meaningful connections from the specific outcome of finding a life partner, one can open themselves up to a wider range of fulfilling interpersonal experiences. This approach not only alleviates the pressure and anxiety of the search but enriches one's life with a variety of relationships that can offer joy, support, and a sense of belonging. In doing so, one might find that their life is already full of the meaningful connections they seek, and perhaps, this relaxed and genuine approach will also increase their chances of eventually finding a partner who truly aligns with them.
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